When Things Get Weird: How to Handle Awkward Questions From Family Members
We’ve all seen the movie trope or been involved directly in the experience of having awkward, too-personal questions asked when visiting family members we haven’t seen in a while. With the holiday season can come an influx of questions that range from clueless to harmful to severely triggering.
For folks with religious trauma, non-affirming families of origin, or lives that differ from the “typical” trajectory that Grandma hoped you’d be following, these questions can be especially dysregulating and painful.
When Questions Can’t Be Avoided
We can do all we can to set boundaries around the kinds of conversations we are willing to have, avoid triggering topics, and limit our time spent in conversation with our relatives. But if you’re headed home for a family gathering, it’s a good idea to prepare to be asked at least one question that you don’t want to answer.
So what can you do in those moments? Let’s use a hypothetical situation to look at some responses you can practice using when things get weird at the next family dinner.
Disclaimer: This is a low-stakes example with various ideas for responses in order to get you thinking about your own situation. I acknowledge that some questions are much more harmful than others, and it may not always be safe or beneficial to respond in every way in every situation.
The Scenario
Alice comes from a long line of conservative Christians. She’s moved away and deconstructed her religion, which took years of intense self-reflection and study. She now identifies as a bisexual atheist who is child-free by choice and passionate about social justice.
Alice still loves her family and doesn’t mind being around them for short periods of time, so she heads home for the holidays with only a little bit of anxiety about how things will go. But when she walks through the door, she’s greeted by the one family member she hoped wouldn’t be there. Aunt Mildred.
Aunt Mildred is loud, aggressively evangelical, and is making a beeline for Alice. Before Alice can even get her coat off or get a word out, Aunt Mildred has asked loudly enough for the entire family to hear, “Alice! Why haven’t you met a nice Christian boy and started a family yet? You’re not getting any younger, you know!”
Ways to Respond
Depending on the relationship she has with the rest of her family, how much freedom she has to speak her mind without backlash, and what feels true to who she is, Alice could meet this invasive question in a variety of ways.
Immediately Set a Boundary
If you’re anticipating truly harmful or painful questions from family members, it might be a good idea to practice setting clear and immediate boundaries when they come up.
For Alice, that might look like saying, “I’m not comfortable answering questions about my love life or family planning. I’d love to tell you about my latest work project.”
If Aunt Mildred pushes the topic, Alice will need to set - and follow through on - a consequence for the boundary being ignored. This can be another direct statement such as, “I’m not comfortable with this topic. I’ll need to go talk to someone else if we can’t change the subject.”
This is, quite understandably, much easier said than done for the majority of people who are just learning to set boundaries. It might be worth practicing what you’ll say and having a plan on how you’ll follow through with holding your boundary.
Respond Directly and Honestly
If the uncomfortable question comes from someone you don’t anticipate seeing often, a direct and honest answer might be a good option for you. Use your best judgment, as this might lead to further, more aggressive questioning in some cases.
If Alice decides to respond directly and honestly to the question, it may sound something like, “Oh, I don’t date Christian men, and I won’t be having children. That’s a choice I’ve made for myself.”
Answer the Question Vaguely and Move On
If a direct, honest answer will likely lead to further questions and harmful comments, it’s okay to simply answer with a vague response and change the subject. This might not feel good to everyone, but it’s worth practicing if it makes sense for your situation.
For example, Alice could say to Aunt Mildred, “You know, I don’t have an answer for that question. Will you show me where to put this dessert I brought?”
Ignore the Question and Ask Another
If answering directly or vaguely isn’t an option, you can also simply ignore the question and direct a question back to the asker in some cases. It might feel rude to ignore a direct question, but many times people are just trying to make conversation and moving on without answering can be a good way to get them talking about something else.
If Alice knows that Aunt Mildred cares more about talking than listening, she could simply ignore the question altogether. This might look like, “Hi Aunt Mildred, I didn’t expect to see you here! What have you been up to lately?”
“No” Is a Complete Sentence
“Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend yet? Are you going to church anywhere? Did you see the latest on Fox news?” Questions like this can absolutely be answered with a simple, “No.”
It might not be the answer your family member was hoping for, but it is a valid answer and you don’t owe anyone an explanation for anything. If your “no” is followed up with further questions, you can implement some of the ideas above.
It’s Not You, It’s Them
It’s not a shortcoming on your part that you’re uncomfortable being asked intrusive, personal questions. And it’s not your responsibility to make anyone feel better about asking them.
Often, questions being asked in ignorance can be the easiest to deflect and move on from. If questions are being asked as a way to start an argument or try to prove a point, you can always stick to, “I don’t feel comfortable with this conversation, I’m going to go grab some more mashed potatoes.”
You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
If you’re struggling with interacting with uncomfortable questions, how to approach your family of origin after big life changes, or other topics related to your identity and ability to thrive, you don’t need to do it alone.
Contact me with any questions you have about starting therapy, resources for LGBTQ+ folks, or navigating life after religious trauma. I’d love to answer your questions and see if I can offer support to you on your journey.
