Home for the Holidays? 7 Questions to Help You Decide if the Tradition Is Worth It
With the holidays coming up, you might be feeling anxious about how you’ll handle going home and being around family that you no longer see eye-to-eye with. You might be remembering how being around conservative or unaccepting family members had a negative effect last year on your mental health, while also feeling the weight of expectations to make an appearance.
Many people have that one Aunt who causes family drama and says inappropriate things that make everyone cringe. But those of us that have left strict faith backgrounds or conservative families of origin often have more to consider than how to keep Aunt Matilda away from the eggnog.
Being around unaccepting people can cause significant emotional and mental stress, especially for LGBTQ+ folks and/or former church kids who no longer believe the way their parents do.
Is Tradition Worth It?
No one can make the decision for you about how you’ll spend your time this holiday season. Here are some questions I recommend asking yourself when making your holiday travel plans.
Will I be safe?
It’s unfortunate that this question has to be asked, but with the Human Rights Campaign’s travel advisory for Florida earlier this year, it’s an important one to consider.
If your holiday travel plans include trips to states or areas that are hostile toward openly queer and trans humans, the travel itself might come with risks that aren’t worth taking. It’s okay to prioritize your safety.
Is my family able to be cordial?
When it comes to differences in beliefs and identity, most families exist on a spectrum from simple disagreement to open hostility. Some families may quietly disagree while others feel the need to make their opinions known. You know your family best.
Will your family be able to set aside charged topics of conversation in order to focus on enjoying the holidays together? Or will every conversation and comment be a passive aggressive bid to bring you “back to the fold” or shame you?
Will my boundaries be respected?
How will your boundaries be received once they’ve been stated out loud? If you say to a family member, “I won’t be discussing politics today,” will that be respected? Or will an argument be started?
It’s more than okay for you to have clear boundaries about the kind of conversations you are and are not willing to have with your family. It’s even okay for them to have their own feelings about the boundaries you set. But will they respect them once they’ve been stated?
Do I have the ability to leave if needed?
If your boundaries aren’t being respected, or if things escalate in ways you didn’t anticipate, will you have a safe space to remove yourself to? Whether that’s another room where you will be sure to be left alone, a hotel, or simply heading home early.
Sometimes, just the knowledge that you can remove yourself from the situation is enough to ease the experince. Feeling trapped can turn annoyance and frustration into panic, so don’t be afraid to plan an “escape route.”
Who will be my support system?
Having a support system in place that you can rely on can make a world of difference. If you have a partner or close friend who is willing and able to come with you, make sure to discuss beforehand how you’ll support each other during the visit.
If you have siblings, cousins, or other like-minded people at family gatherings, you might be able to stick together. You can also ask friends to be available by phone in case you need to take a break and take some deep breaths together.
What’s my aftercare plan?
Even cordial, loving families with the best of intentions can inadvertently cause pain and frustration to those returning home for the holidays. If you experience overstimulation or have family members that are more confrontational, it’s especially important to have an aftercare plan in place to decompress and do any needed processing.
Set up a therapy visit in the days after you get home, plan an extra travel day to relax before jumping back into work, or simply ask a trusted friend for a phone call or visit in the days following your time with family. Be kind to yourself. It’s okay to need time to come down after a visit with family, even in the most ideal of circumstances.
Do I even want to go home for the holidays?
One of the most important questions to ask yourself is, “Do I really want to do this, or am I feeling coerced in order to be a “good child” or maintain family traditions?” It’s okay to limit your time spent with family, or even skip it altogether, simply because you don’t want to go.
For those raised in strict, “traditional” homes, this can seem like a strange thought. And of course, you might have other things to consider when making your decision. But I do encourage you to really think about if you want to go home for the holidays and your reasons why. Part of developing autonomy is giving ourselves choices that we didn't have growing up and really considering what is best for ourselves.
What Do You Need?
All the above questions are further opportunities to ask yourself, “What do I need to feel safe? What is my body telling me? Is there a way I can provide myself the opportunity to regulate in this situation?”
If you need to head to the family gathering with a clear list of your boundaries and read them aloud at dinner, do it. If you need to plan a shorter visit than your family expects and have lots of aftercare planned, that’s an option you have too. If you need to stay away completely, that’s valid and good to recognize.
There is no wrong choice when it comes to engaging with an unsupportive or overbearing family. It’s even okay to make a choice, have two or three backup plans, and change your mind halfway through!
You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
If you’re struggling with the decision about whether or not to head home for the holidays, how to approach your family of origin after big life changes, or other topics related to your identity and ability to thrive, you don’t need to do it alone.
Contact me with any questions you have about starting therapy, resources for LGBTQ+ folks, or navigating life after religious trauma. I’d love to answer your questions and see if I could offer support to you on your journey.
