Changing Dynamics
“What’s your relationship status?” Is this a dreaded question, or a welcomed onramp to gushing about your lover? The word “relationship” is often loaded with meaning, whether we are single or in one. The past year has been a pressure cooker for many relationships; extended time in limited space with few external outlets combined with a significant increase in baseline stress. This pressure has widened cracks in many relationships, speeding up the dissolution that might have otherwise taken years. Conversely, some have found new levels of connection and comfort in their partner and report increased sense of durability in their relationship.
It seems that the pandemic lock down has heightened fears and put a magnifying glass on aspects of our life that feel lacking. For those who went into the pandemic single, some have found the isolation not sustainable and are coming out with a renewed urgency to find someone to share life with. The drastic shift in routine, access to socialization, and generalized stress simultaneously highlight our ability to adapt, as well as our need for connection to other humans. As a self-identified extrovert (and confirmed by multiple personality inventories), I was surprised that I enjoyed my alone time and limited socialization outside of a nuclear few. However, I’ve also realized I have limits to how much alone time I can tolerate, and with the reopening of spaces, I have deeply enjoyed the sensation of being in spaces with others and also have increased my in person activities with other humans.
It seems like we have found our social edges in new ways, some of them were farther away than expected and some were more readily reached. Where do we go with this information? Are you newly divorced and trying to capitalize on the newfound freedom while avoiding making similar relationship mistakes moving forward? Maybe you are perpetually single and eager to find new people to explore romantic connections with or maybe you are comfortably cocooned with a partner and unsure of how to navigate the flood of social invitations. Or feeling left out of all of these descriptions and wondering what applies to you?
Dating is rough in the best of times - and post pandemic, as we are navigating varying personal boundaries…wowow. Politics continue to become more and more entrenched and we find ourselves identifying with more “us versus them” groups. Take a look at someone’s online dating profile, what judgements immediately come to mind? What do you initially evaluate to see if they could be a match? Facial expression? Facial proportions? Fish picture or lack of one? Smoker or non-smoker? The digital age has allowed us unprecedented opportunities to screen out romantic maybes through a wide range of filters. The moments of a “meet cute” were limited before the pandemic and during lockdown, became much more unlikely. Now, as businesses reopen and we return to in person activities, how do you want to approach the search for new love?
Have you ever swiped through dating profiles and categorized people as either fuckable or datable? Ever felt relieved if you don’t have sex on the first date because “they have relationship potential”? Or when you do have sex with someone, you can’t wait for them to leave after? For a variety of reasons, many of us find developing and maintaining both emotional and physical intimacy with the same person to be challenging and elusive. It can feel like a unicorn, only the thing of myth and legend, and anyone who says otherwise is delusional or lying. The cynicism is fair, yet you still are reading this, which indicates that at least part of you is hopeful that romantic partnership still exists. That while rare, maybe it is possible to both have a sexually enjoyable and emotionally connected relationship. The choice between fuck boy and friend zone may not be mutually exclusive. Do you want both?
