To Ask or Not to Ask: That is the (Scary) Question
Doubting the beliefs you’ve grown up with is common. For many people, asking tough questions about what they’ve been taught is a normal part of growing up. But for those who have grown up in highly controlled environments, asking tough questions can be scary and confusing. How do you approach doubts and questions when it doesn’t feel safe to openly discuss them?
Doubt is Timeless
For many folks who grow up religious, there comes a point where they begin to have questions and doubts about what they have been taught. Questioning the world around you is a normal, healthy part of development as you establish your personal identity.
For some people, their doubts are met with compassion and their curiosity is encouraged. However, for those who grew up in high control religions or isolated families of origin, doubts about religion might not be “allowed” and will often be met with fear, anger, or even punishment.
Suppressing religious doubts has been shown to be detrimental to one’s well-being over time. But, what do you do when your doubts are treated as dangerous and wrong? Is there a way to engage in religious deconstruction that keeps you safe while allowing you to find your own way forward?
Doubt is Complex
Doubt will not look the same for everyone, and your ability to express yourself to those around you will also be unique to you and your situation. For many people, their religious deconstruction doesn’t begin with the thought that everything they’ve ever known is an outright lie. Often, it starts with a single question about one aspect of what they’ve been taught.
For some folks, allowing themselves to doubt aspects of their faith will feel liberating, while for others it might be incredibly scary and disorienting. However your doubt makes you feel, it is important to recognize that questioning is healthy and normal. Even if you are met with resistance from those around you, remember that your doubts are not a bad thing.
Doubt as a Catalyst for Growth
It can be difficult to allow yourself the space to explore your doubts and questions when you aren’t sure where they will take you. Even church leaders who encourage questions often do so with the expectation that your end goal is a stronger faith, and might discourage certain kinds of questions that could lead to a different outcome.
It’s important to remember that growth is not linear, and there does not need to be an “end goal” other than feeling comfortable and safe in your own life. You might start out asking questions in order to strengthen your faith, and end up leaving it completely. You might begin with the intention of deconstructing your beliefs completely, and wind up embracing some aspects of your faith in different or new ways.
There is no wrong way to ask questions, but unfortunately for many people in high control religions, asking them can be uncomfortable at best and dangerous at worst. If you are worried about the consequences of asking questions, here are some things to consider before you dive in.
When Doubt Feels Dangerous
Keeping yourself safe as you begin to confront your doubts is important and necessary. Here are a few questions you can consider as you decide who to talk to about the questions you might have.
Is it a communication issue, or a safety issue?
Asking tough questions can be uncomfortable, even in the best of circumstances. Is the fear you feel about communicating your doubts because it’s a hard topic, or is it because you expect real, negative consequences? Suppressing doubts can wind up causing pain for you down the line, so it might be worth seeking outside resources if your family or church leaders will punish you in some way for your curiosity. Prioritize keeping yourself safe as you navigate your doubts.
Is there someone safe in your life you can talk with?
Whether it’s a friend, teacher, or therapist, think about if there is someone in your life who would be willing to talk to you about your doubts without judgment or threats of sharing your conversation with others. Even just having one person to talk to can sometimes help you feel less alone as you begin to navigate new ideas and questions.
Can you safely find other resources?
If there aren’t safe people in your life to talk with, you might need to start by seeking outside resources that you can engage with. Blogs like this one, books, online groups, and social media are all great ways to start learning about ideas that you might not have considered before. Often, as you find other people asking the same questions you are, it becomes easier to consider speaking up to the people around you about the things you are learning. (If not, that’s okay too!)
Finding Resources
Connecting people to resources that will help them in their religious deconstruction journey is something that I am really passionate about. I know how scary it feels to start asking the tough questions to the people you’ve looked up to. I also know that for some folks, it’s genuinely dangerous for them to step outside of the box they’ve been put into by their family and religious community.
I would love to connect with you for a free consultation to determine if I would be a good fit to support you on your journey. You’re welcome to send me a message on my Contact Page to set that up. I also have a few of my recommended resources for LGBTQ+ folks listed on my FAQ page, so feel free to check that out as well.
However you decide to seek support, my hope is that you honor your curiosity, stay as safe as you can, and start to find the answers you’re looking for. Remember, it’s a journey you don’t need to take alone, and there’s no “right” way to go about it.
