Former Church Kid Problems: Sunday Brunch Edition

Do you remember the first time you didn’t go to church on a Sunday morning, just because you didn’t feel like it? I’m not talking about the times you were sick, or the times when the weather was too bad so you had a home Bible Study time instead. 

I’m talking about the first time you went to bed on Saturday night and intentionally didn’t set your alarm. The first time you rolled over on a Sunday morning and didn’t start thinking about what you were going to wear to church. 

For many people who grew up going to church religiously (see what I did there?), the decision to go less often or stop going completely can feel strange and guilt-inducing. So how do we embrace the idea of ditching church for Sunday brunch and allow ourselves the freedom to enjoy ourselves? 

Why Does Sunday Brunch Feel Wrong When it Tastes So Good? 

First of all, it might be helpful to understand why it’s so hard not to feel guilty about skipping church in the first place. While not everyone who grew up in high-control religions would consider their church a cult, many of the same tactics used by cults to control their members are employed by leaders of strict religious groups. 

These tactics include behavioral, informational, thought, and emotional control. Often, a huge component of these types of control is to instill a strong sense of guilt into the individual for stepping outside of the lines. If your family of origin placed a high value on regular church attendance or if your church treated skipping a service like a major sin, the guilt about not going can be incredibly strong at first. 

It’s actually a pretty common experience for those moving away from regular church attendance to feel uncomfortable going out to do things “just for fun” on a Sunday morning. Going out for breakfast on a Sunday morning is just one example of an activity that many people see as a normal part of life that, for the former church kid, can be a bit jarring to experience. (Although we’re all familiar with the post-church rush to lunch, of course.) 

Even if intellectually you know it’s normal and okay, feelings of discomfort around previously forbidden or discouraged activities can still come up for months or even years after the fact. 

You Aren’t the Only One

You aren’t alone if you’re struggling to move away from feelings of guilt when it comes to doing things that you grew up being told were wrong. Things like drinking for the first time, dating without plans to pursue marriage, or exploring different spiritual ideas are a bit more obvious sources of guilt for many people. 

But there are plenty of things that on the surface seem like they wouldn’t bring up feelings of guilt, and then suddenly you’re feeling anxiety and you don’t know why. Things like going to brunch on a sunday morning, buying a new style of clothing you were never permitted to wear, or watching a movie that your church would have considered inappropriate are all examples of things that often come with pangs of guilt or anxiety for many former church kids. 

Next time you feel anxiety about something you’re doing that on the surface seems harmless, try stopping and exploring that feeling a little bit. Where are you feeling it in your body? Is there a thought attached to it that you no longer believe? Can you offer yourself permission to feel the anxiety and at the same time remind yourself that it comes from a belief system you no longer subscribe to? 

Pleasure as a Practice  

For many of us, as we start to notice our internal responses, it becomes apparent that we often feel guilty about experiencing any form of pleasure. This can be especially true when we don’t view what we’re doing as “productive” in some way. Strict religious beliefs often promote the idea that everything we do must be in pursuit of honoring God or serving others. This leaves very little room for simply existing or experiencing pleasure for the sake of pleasure. 

As with any new skill, learning to experience pleasure without guilt is actually something that must be practiced. It’s okay if you don’t feel like you know how to enjoy yourself at first! Many folks have to start by taking very small steps towards a life filled with pleasant, enjoyable experiences. 

If going straight from weekly church attendance to having a mimosa at brunch on a Sunday morning seems like too much to ask of yourself, practice by starting small. Take a long bath, go on a leisurely walk, or make a pancake breakfast at home instead. Over time, you will learn to let go of the guilt and simply do things you enjoy. It might just take some practice. 

Letting Go of Guilt is a Process 

The process of letting go of guilt and learning to enjoy things that were previously taboo can be a long one. But the good news is that so many others have walked that road before you, and there are many resources to help you along the way. 

Being able to walk with people as they learn to release guilt and embrace things that bring them joy is one of the reasons I became a therapist. If you would like to explore the option of therapy as you go on your journey, I would love to chat with you to see if I can support you in that way. You can connect with me here, or read more of my posts about the topic on my blog. 

In the meantime, I hope you consider getting out there and enjoying some brunch this weekend.