Nice to Meet You, Again: Rediscovering Yourself During Religious Deconstruction
There are many times in a person’s life when they might feel the need to rediscover themselves in some way. Puberty, parenthood, a changing relationship or career status… All these things are moments when a person may feel the need to stop and think about who they are now and how they have changed.
For folks who have grown up in highly religious, oppressive environments, this “rediscovery” stage may be a bit more intensive. Not only are you trying to shed the shame and limiting expectations put on you by others, you are also trying to discover who you are without those things to define you.
I hear a lot of people say that they struggle to even know what they like or want after leaving religion or deconstructing certain beliefs. When sacrifice and suffering have been glorified and pleasure has been condemned as selfish, it might take some time to explore and allow yourself to be curious about your wants and needs.
You’re Allowed to Stop Sacrificing Your Needs
As you set out to discover the things you like and enjoy, you have to also allow yourself to have needs. In many religious environments, sacrifice is glorified to the point that having any needs at all is seen as selfish and sinful.
In case you need to hear it, I’m giving you permission to stop sacrificing your needs. Your needs are important, valid, and, well… needed! If you aren’t sure where to start with what your needs are, think about a child or even cherished pet that is in your life and what kind of care you would give them.
It would be wrong to assume that a baby’s only needs are shelter, food, and to be kept clean. It’s been proven conclusively that human babies really do need touch, care, interaction, and responsive care in order to develop properly.
If you wouldn’t deny an infant or pet their needs for affection, responsiveness, compassion, and patience, why keep denying your own need for those things? The next time you start to tell yourself you don’t really need something, check in to make sure you aren’t minimizing or sacrificing your needs automatically.
Learning to Embrace Your Desires
Once you can acknowledge and honor the fact that you have needs and that those needs are valid, the next step for many people is learning to embrace their desires. We all experience desire for all kinds of things all the time. And while it’s true that you can’t always get what you want, you can learn to approach your desires with excitement and curiosity rather than shame and guilt.
Do you have something you’ve always wanted to do, but have been made to feel guilty about it? Maybe it’s something as minor as dying your hair or getting a piercing. Or maybe it’s a big desire, like being able to explore your sexuality more openly and boldly. Likely it’s all kinds of things, from minor to life-changing.
Embracing your desires doesn’t have to look like giving in to every impulse immediately and completely. In fact, you probably shouldn’t! (That’s how you wind up with misspelled face tattoos.) But it does mean giving yourself permission to acknowledge, honor, and explore your desires in a way that feels good to you.
What If I Don’t Even Know What I Want?
A common question I hear when talking about embracing your desires is, “What if I don’t even know what I want?” Traumatic experiences, including growing up in a high-control environment, can leave people with an underdeveloped sense of self. You’re not alone if you find yourself asking, “Who am I and what do I even like?”
Learning to identify and honor your desires can be a process. Starting small, listening to your body, journaling, and asking yourself “What do I want?” regularly are all ways to get to know what your inner self desires and is excited by.
Taking Your Inner Self on a Date
Another way to honor your needs and desires and rediscover who you are is to take yourself on a date! It might feel weird at first to think about it this way, but taking yourself on an intentional date is an opportunity to really get to know who you are now.
Go all out if you can! Remember that you deserve to be treated well, and really use this as an opportunity to rediscover who you have become.
Clear Your Calendar
Set aside some time for your date with yourself the same way you would for a date with a friend or partner. You’re important, and this is an opportunity to practice showing up for yourself in a real way.
Ask Yourself Questions
Write down some questions to yourself the same way you would ask them to a potential new partner. Ask yourself what kinds of things you like to do for fun, what kinds of movies you like, and what kinds of foods you like to eat. Write out the answers as if you were answering someone who doesn’t already know you.
Make a Plan
Going all out doesn’t have to mean spending a lot of money or planning an entire weekend for yourself. Think about how you would like to be treated by someone on an ideal date. Plan a picnic and a walk in the park, movie and dessert, or a stay-at-home date where you cook something special and do a fun craft.
Enjoy Yourself!
There is literally no way to take yourself on a date the wrong way. Whatever you think you might enjoy, try it out! Even if you discover that it wasn’t your cup of tea after all, you’ve managed to get to know yourself a little better.
It’s Okay to Change Your Mind
Remember, you don’t have to find all your new favorite things as soon as you start the journey of rediscovery. In fact, you will still continue to rediscover yourself over and over again throughout your life.
If you try something new and wind up hating it, great! You learned something. If you’re feeling apprehensive about something but discover you love it, cool! There’s no need to feel guilty for doing something you enjoy. It’s okay to change your mind, just like it’s okay to not know who you are sometimes. No one has ever made beautiful art without getting a little messy and lost along the way.
