Kicking the Quiet Time Habit (And Why You Feel Guilty About It)
If you’ve existed in Christian spaces for any amount of time, you’ve probably heard about the importance of having a regular (preferably daily) “quiet time.” And if you grew up as a church kid, you might still feel a lot of guilt when you skip your prayers too many days in a row or forget to prioritize devotions.
If you experience pressure and guilt to maintain consistent devotions, it might not simply be feeling “convicted” like you’ve been taught to believe. Many people deal with perfectionism and shame when it comes to things like maintaining spiritual habits.
Driven to Perfectionism
It’s fairly common for people who have grown up religious to struggle with perfectionism. Whether it was from your family of origin or a church community, chances are that somewhere along the line you got the message that you needed to be better, do better, and strive constantly for growth in order to deserve (or maybe just to honor) your relationship with God.
The problem is that when your bar is perfection, you will always worry about doing everything better, more consistently, or with more enthusiasm. Even sitting down with your Bible daily won’t feel like enough, because maybe you weren’t paying close enough attention as you read. Even praying daily won’t feel like it was good enough, because maybe you were rushing through it.
This sense of urgency about being perfect and putting in a “good enough” effort can cause a lot of anxiety, especially for those who struggle with setting habits or focusing on things like reading. (Oh hey, most of the neurodiverse community!)
Anxious for Days
A lifetime of not living up to other people’s expectations (or being told that it’s impossible for you to live up to God’s expectations) can lead to pervasive anxiety and create a sense of needing to do the “right” thing at all times. For many humans, especially those who fall under the neurodiversity umbrella and members of the LGBTQ+ community, this can add to the difficulties they already experience from not quite fitting into the mold society prescribes.
The anxiety that comes from trying to live up to impossible standards often creates a cycle of shame that leaves us feeling hopeless, flawed, and unworthy of connection. Unfortunately, when we are stuck in that cycle, it’s easy to feel that we should just “be better.” So we continue to strive harder to be perfect, and the cycle continues.
Interrupting the Shame Cycle
Aside from being deeply painful and harmful to the person experiencing it, shame limits our ability to see clearly since it convinces us that we are the problem. If you are in the process of questioning whether or not something is truly necessary (like daily quiet times or weekly church attendance), shame limits true curiosity and understanding and brings you back to that feeling of, “If I could just do this better, I wouldn’t be struggling so much.”
Interrupting the shame cycle can be difficult, but not impossible. Try catching yourself the next time you find yourself thinking, “I should be doing better.” Try to ask yourself questions as if you are speaking to a friend. Many times, when we are telling ourselves we “should” be doing something better or differently, it’s because we feel a sense of shame about not living up to certain standards.
Where do those standards come from? Are those standards something you would hold a friend or partner to? Is this a situation where you could learn from it and change your behavior, or is it a situation in which you are just beating yourself up? Will beating yourself up help you find the answers you’re looking for, or will it only muddy the waters as you consider new ideas and ask questions?
The Worst that Could Happen
So what does the perfectionism/anxiety/shame cycle have to do with daily devotionals? Let’s use a fictional person named Justin to see if we can make some connections.
Justin has grown up believing that in order to maintain a good relationship with God, he needs to be having regular prayer time and Bible reading. Justin also has a lot of anxiety around the idea of not living up to people’s expectations. He has ADHD and often feels like he’s disappointing those around him because of his executive function struggles.
Every time Justin forgets to read his Bible or have intentional prayer time, he feels terrible. He doesn’t realize that the environment he grew up in primed him to struggle with perfectionism. He believes this is the feeling of being “convicted”, so he repents and resolves to do better. But inevitably he gets distracted, forgets, and feels terrible again.
This cycle continues even as Justin begins to question whether or not “quiet time” is actually necessary. He wonders why he can’t just experience God in nature, or why he can’t just pray throughout the day and have that be “good enough.” But those thoughts cause him anxiety (hi, perfectionism). He feels like maybe he’s the problem (hello, shame). And so the cycle continues, his doubts become greater, his shame becomes louder, and he can’t bring himself to simply quit the quiet time habit and see what happens.
If Justin could find a way to interrupt the shame cycle, he might be able to actually ask himself what’s the worst that could happen if he let perfectionism go and embraced the idea that daily “quiet time” doesn’t make him a better person.
Permission to Take a Break
If you’re feeling guilty about wanting to stop putting time and energy into daily devotionals (or weekly church attendance, or mid-week Bible study, or whatever that thing is), I invite you to give yourself permission to take a break. What’s the worst that could happen if you release the need to be perfect?
Your Bible won’t grow legs and walk away, I promise. If you spend a few weeks letting go of the expectations you put on yourself and want to come back to a regular prayer practice, great! If you realize that your life is richer and less full of shame by letting go of that completely, great! Either way, it’s highly unlikely that you’ll be smitten with locusts or find frogs in your bathtub.
