Romance and Rosé: Two Things the Devil and I Both Enjoy
In recent blog posts, I’ve talked about the importance of asking the tough questions about what you believe and about some of the guilt that comes with rediscovering what you like to do outside of church stuff.
Today, I wanted to write something a little more personal and a little less heavy. Because here’s the thing, folks… Deconstructing religion is hard work. Embracing your identity and learning to love yourself can feel like an endless climb up a mountain of other people’s useless opinions.
Despite all that, I have personally experienced the immense joy that can come with letting go and enjoying the things you once denied yourself. So today, let’s talk a little bit about pleasure, desire, and the fact that forbidden fruit is often pretty delicious (and honestly, kind of good for us.)
Forbidden Fruits: Embrace the Taboo
Now, obviously some things are taboo in our society for good reason. If something harms someone else or perpetuates systems of oppression, it’s a good idea to let those things remain a taboo. Those aren’t the kinds of things I’m talking about here.
If you’re a former church kid, though… You know that many things you were raised to see as “forbidden fruits” are actually perfectly normal and harmless. Things like reading a steamy romance novel, masturbating, or discovering what kind of wine you enjoy were treated the same as cheating and lying.
Delicious, Nutritious Pleasure
Believe it or not, pleasure is not a sin. (No matter how many pastors have suggested otherwise.) Pursuing pleasure is part of the normal range of human desire, and not something we need to fear. The same way we pursue nourishment for our bodies, we also pursue nourishment for our minds and emotions through pleasure.
In fact, the pursuit of pleasure has been a part of the human experience for so long that even some prehistoric rock paintings depict people masturbating! Finding pleasure through food, sexuality, art, and music are all very natural, normal things that humans throughout history have done.
The Science of Pleasure
Pleasure is also not something humans enjoy for no reason. According to this article from the National Library of Medicine, “The lack of pleasure, anhedonia, is one of the most important symptoms of many mental illnesses, including depression. It is difficult to conceive of anyone reporting happiness or well-being while so deprived of pleasure.”
Humans, it turns out, are wired to pursue pleasurable experiences both alone and with others. We like feeling good! And maybe, just maybe, wanting to enjoy the feeling of an orgasm or savor a decadent dessert is not actually the Devil trying to lead us on a path of self-destructive behaviors. Maybe we just aren’t naturally inclined to suppress important brain chemicals that help us function as happy, healthy human beings.
Honoring Your Desires
“Cool, Jay. Pleasure is good. The Devil is actually a scientist. But how do I even begin to pursue pleasure when I don’t know what I like because I’ve never allowed myself to find out?!”
That’s a really good question. I’m so glad you asked! Here are a few ideas that have helped my clients in their pursuit of pleasure over the years.
Seek Out Education
One of the ways you can build your sense of safety as you think about exploring new experiences is by educating yourself on the topics you’re interested in. For example, you might want to watch more porn but feel nervous about accidentally contributing to someone’s exploitation. Consider looking up sex educators who share resources about ethical porn.
You could also sign up for classes or events as a way to dip your toes into something new. Go to a wine tasting, invite a friend to a burlesque show, or take a ceramics class. Educating yourself on the options available to you is a great first step. Just try not to get stuck in the “always learning/never doing” loop.
Embrace Curiosity
Sometimes, folks can get stuck in a place of wanting to make sure they make the “right” or “correct” decision. Especially when you were told your whole life that the wrong decision could lead to your eternal torment, it can be difficult to navigate choices that really dont’ have a right or wrong answer.
Embracing curiosity is a great tool to use as you decide what you’d like to try and the things you would like to explore. Instead of asking yourself if something is the “right” thing, you can ask yourself more curious, open-ended questions. “Do I want to try this? How would it feel to explore this? What will I do if I don’t enjoy it? What will change if I do like it?”
Make Pleasure a Habit
Making space in your life for pleasure is important, and not something that should be saved for special occasions. Once you’ve done some exploring and have a better idea of the things you enjoy, why not build them into your life as habits?
Maybe you try a new wine every Friday night. Maybe you institute Masturbation Mondays. Maybe you check out new coffee shops every Sunday or make time for meditation on Saturday mornings. Whatever brings you pleasure, see if you can give it a little intentional time on your calendar.
Finding Supportive Communities
Finding and connecting with others who are open about their enjoyment of life’s pleasures is a wonderful way to remind yourself to intentionally enjoy yourself more often. A supportive community can be made up of friends, family, your therapist, a local wine club, or an online group that shares your interests.
If you feel like the idea of pursuing pleasure and living a more fulfilling life is something that you need more personalized help with, feel free to reach out here. I’d love to hear from you and discuss if I could be a good fit to support you on your journey. And who knows? Maybe you’ll find something along the way that you and the Devil both enjoy.
