Does Trauma Always “Look Like” Trauma?

The word “trauma” seems to get thrown around all over the place these days. In some ways, that makes it difficult for many people to identify the real trauma they have been through. Some folks don’t want to be someone who just tosses the word around about anything and everything, so they avoid it altogether. 

For others, the fact that trauma is being recognized more and more as a legitimate cause of emotional distress is a relief. Having a way to talk about your experience and have it be believed can be very helpful.

So what counts as trauma? Are there only certain types of experiences that can be labeled as trauma? Is it wrong to say you’ve been traumatized if you haven’t been officially diagnosed with any kind of traumatic stress disorders? 

Trauma is Subjective

First of all, there is no exhaustive list of experiences that defines every single kind of trauma. That’s because trauma is actually subjective to the experience of the person who was traumatized. Trauma does not come from a specific set of circumstances, but from the emotional experience of the person involved. 

For example, leaving your adult partner home alone for a weekend while you go on a work trip will most likely not traumatize them. However, leaving a toddler alone for that amount of time would be quite traumatizing for them. In this way, you can see how the same objective experience would be easily managed by one person while being deeply traumatizing to another.

It’s the same with other kinds of trauma. One person may experience giving birth without pain medication as a beautiful, natural part of life, while another person experiences it as deeply traumatic and cruel. Both people have experienced the same series of events in completely different emotional states. 

Trauma Can Be Complex 

It is important to note that traumatic experiences are not limited to one-time, violent events. While we often see Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) portrayed in the media as only coming from experiences such as war or violent crimes, there are actually many different kinds of stressful experiences that can leave lasting trauma. 

One type of trauma that has been receiving more attention lately is Complex PTSD, which can be the result of more chronic, prolonged traumas such as childhood abuse and neglect. This kind of trauma is closely related to PTSD, and can cause a host of emotional and mental struggles for those who suffer from it. 

While experts are still discussing if CPTSD should be a distinct diagnosis, many people who have experienced extended periods of abuse or neglect can relate to the symptoms of anxiety, emotional flashbacks, and heightened emotional responses. 

Trauma Isn’t a Competition 

For all kinds of trauma survivors, it can be easy to play the comparison game. “Well, sure, my childhood was bad, but at least I didn’t experience the same things Sally did.” Minimizing your trauma or comparing your experience to the experience of others is often a way to avoid confronting the full reality of the things you did experience, and how they affected you. 

On the other hand, it’s just as unhelpful to deny the experiences of others to try to justify the real trauma that you experienced. Many children of traumatized parents can relate to how frustrating it feels to hear something along the lines of, “You think you have it bad? Well my parents would have done something far worse than I am doing to you.” 

Since trauma is subjective, we’ll never get anywhere playing the “Who Has More Trauma?” game. Instead, be honest with yourself as you explore your own feelings about things that have happened to you in your past, and do your best to show compassion to others along the way. And remember, you don’t have to allow someone to mistreat you just because they can claim to have more trauma than you, no matter how many awful things they have experienced.  

Abandoning Yourself Can Be Traumatic 

Many folks who have experienced religious trauma were forced to abandon themselves in some way in order to fit in, survive, and receive care from those around them. Abandoning your own needs over and over again is a form of self-neglect that often becomes chronic and ongoing. 

Unfortunately, many people had to abandon themselves in order to survive before they were old enough to remember having a choice at all. For others, the choice may have come later on as they were confronted with the fact that who they felt they were inside was not compatible with their environment. 

If you were forced to choose between the care and affection of those around you and your own identity, know that you made the only choice you could under impossible circumstances. You can offer yourself compassion for the choice you had to make while still acknowledging the trauma that experience inflicted. 

It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

For folks who have experienced religious trauma or ongoing neglect, it can be easy to assume that your experiences don’t “count” as trauma. Many people who suffered neglect or emotional abuse compare their experiences to violent, physically abusive circumstances and tell themselves they “shouldn’t complain.”  But remember, it’s not the experience that defines trauma, but the emotional state of the person involved. 

For those who are just beginning their journey of healing and acceptance, it can be overwhelming to recognize and acknowledge that your experiences have had more lasting effects on your mental and emotional state than you realized. 

If you’re at a point in your journey where you are not okay with an experience you had or how you were treated, remember that it is okay to not be okay. It is okay to be angry at mistreatment, upset by rudeness, and saddened by neglect. It is okay to ask for help as you untangle the moments in your life where you felt traumatized. 

If you’d like to discuss the things in your life that you feel have been traumatic for you, I would love to create a safe space for you to do so. You can contact me here to discuss a consult, or check out my FAQ page here to see if we would be a good fit.