Am I Free or Am I Lost? Can it Be Both At Once?

Most people, regardless of their upbringing, struggle at times with holding onto seemingly opposing thoughts at the same time. Our world is structured in a way that encourages us to hold tightly to being “right” and to defend our beliefs. 

For those who grew up in highly controlled environments, this urge to find the “one right way” of thinking can be overwhelming. The idea that more than one thing could be true is a difficult concept to put into practice when you’ve spent a lot of your life dedicated to finding the one and only correct way of living. 

For those deconstructing from religion or making their way out of high-control environments, it can be particularly difficult to accept the fact that you might often feel more than one thing simultaneously. Feelings of loss can arise as you leave your familiar community, even as you also begin to feel more freedom. Resentment about how you were treated can be present alongside compassion for those who treated you that way.  

It Doesn’t Have to Be All or Nothing 

Strict religious beliefs are based on the idea that there is one correct way of thinking, believing, and acting. You are either ALL bad and going to hell, or ALL saved and going to heaven. You either believe the Truth or are believing Lies. Strict religious belief does not affirm the fact that you can simultaneously be good enough AND desire growth and improvement. 

So what happens when someone who has spent their entire life practicing all or nothing thinking is confronted with the realization that they might have room for improvement or desire more personal growth? Often, they see these opportunities for growth as proof that they are not yet “good enough” or that they are somehow not doing enough already. 

So what is a potential alternative to this kind of detrimental, strictly binary thinking? Many people have found it helpful to explore and practice the concept of dialectical thinking as a way to combat the all or nothing mindsets they grew up with. 

Dialectical Thought Takes Practice

Dialectical thought is the practice of recognizing and embracing the idea that two seemingly opposing truths can be true at the same time. One easy example of this is if you have ever been annoyed at someone you love. In that circumstance, it would be truthful to say, “I love you AND I would like to have some time away from you.” 

For those that grew up constantly assessing the truthfulness of their beliefs, it can be hard work to shift from strict binary thinking (“If you loved me you wouldn’t hurt me!”) to accepting dialectical thought (“I know you love me AND what you did hurt me.”) However, just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean it’s impossible.  

Finding Freedom in the Balance 

You might be asking yourself, “Why should I care about practicing dialectical thought? Isn’t it good to find out the truth about things? After all, that’s how I found my way to where I am in the first place.” 

The answer to that question is actually fairly straightforward. Your life will be infinitely enriched when you have the ability to break out of strict binary thinking and allow the world to hold more than one truth simultaneously. Your interpersonal relationships, your ability to think more creatively, and your ability to engage in your community and the wider world will all benefit from the freedom that comes from being able to balance more than one perspective or point of view at a time. 

All or nothing thinking often holds us in patterns of anxiety and shame that limits growth and connection. Being able to engage in dialectical thought is also really helpful when it comes to balancing and working through our own inner emotional states.  

Practicing Dialectical Thinking 

Just like any new skill, dialectical thinking will need to be practiced before it can become second nature. Our brains are amazing places that are capable of immense change, but the more ingrained certain things are, the more intention and practice it will take to make those changes.

Start by noticing the dialectic thoughts you already experience in your daily life, even if they seem very small or insignificant. “It’s sunny outside AND it’s raining,” “I love my child AND they are driving me crazy right now,” and “I feel happy AND sad right now” are all examples of dialectical thinking. 

As you begin to recognize more readily that not everything is as all or nothing as you’ve previously thought, you can begin to expand your practice by making an effort to understand others and their point of view. “My partner thinks I am wonderful AND they are expressing that I have hurt them,” and “my parents tried their best AND I was still neglected as a child” are some examples of more heavy topics that can be difficult to process for those that struggle with dialectical thought.    

Changing Your Mind is Difficult AND You Can Do It

For those just beginning to recognize that they struggle with constant all or nothing thinking, this process may seem incredibly daunting. To be honest, it is! We’re talking about fundamentally shifting how you see the world and working towards a reality in which you can balance two seemingly opposite truths as valid. 

It is daunting and difficult… AND it is possible. AND you have already changed your view of the world and your way of thinking probably many times. AND you are not alone in this process. (Look at that, you’re practicing dialectic thinking already!) 

If you would like to further discuss the idea of binary thinking versus dialectical thinking, send me a message on my contact page. I would love to connect with you and discuss how I might serve you on this messy, beautiful, difficult, and wonderful journey of being a human.