Purity Culture Survivors: What Happened to Happily Ever After?
For many millennials who grew up in religious homes, it was impossible to escape purity culture. From the 2.5 million participants in the True Love Waits campaign of the early 90s, to the countless kids who grew up in high-control religions, to abstinence-only sex education, purity culture was the water that many of us swam in.
One of the main draws of the purity movement was the promise of a guaranteed “happily ever after.” If you just followed the rules, you would find the perfect (heterosexual, obviously) spouse and ride off into the sunset to have mind-blowing, perfectly compatible sex for the rest of your life.
Obviously, that didn’t happen for most of us.
Expectations vs. Reality
Purity culture and those who championed it promised a very specific fairy tale ending. Wait until marriage, remain "pure," and you'll be rewarded. Whether explicit or implied, the message was clear: follow these guidelines, and God will bless you with the perfect spouse and a harmonious marriage.
In reality, this “perfect ending” rarely came true. Most folks found themselves struggling with guilt, shame, and confusion surrounding dating and sex. We probably all know at least one couple who rushed into marriage to “avoid temptation” and then discovered after the fact that they weren’t actually that compatible.
Others forced themselves into heterosexual relationships to avoid the shame they felt around their queer identities (Oh hey, it’s me!) Even those who did wind up with compatible spouses often struggled to make the transition from viewing sexuality as strictly forbidden to suddenly acceptable.
How Purity Culture Failed Us
Purity culture failed spectacularly at its goal of creating happy, healthy, heterosexual marriages. It also failed the individuals who put their faith in it. Instead of a happily ever after, we got all kinds of harmful beliefs and experiences.
Unrealistic Expectations About Relationships
Purity culture painted an idealized picture of marriage that didn't match reality. Along with extremely sexist views of marriage and responsibility, it also ignored the complexities and challenges inherent in any partnership.
Inadequate (Or Non-Existent) Sex Education
By focusing only on abstinence (and often denying access to sex education altogether), purity culture left a lot of people clueless about sexual relationships. Many folks entered marriage with very little understanding of their own bodies and no concept of healthy boundaries or consent.
Suppression of Normal Feelings and Desires
In strict religious circles, sexual desires and curiosity are heavily demonized. The level of suppression that exists in these spaces can have long-lasting effects on one's relationship with their body and sexuality.
Exclusion and Harm to LGBTQ+ Folks
For those who identified as queer or had questions about their sexuality, purity culture held even more layers of damaging beliefs. LGBTQ+ identities were either completely ignored or actively condemned. Whether queerness was taboo or openly judged, these beliefs led to intense internal shame and confusion for many of us who grew up knowing we were different.
The rigid, heteronormative framework of purity culture left many folks feeling trapped, forcing them to choose between denying their true selves or leaving their faith communities entirely. For those who did decide to come out, the consequences were often devastating as they were ostracized or abused for daring to be themselves.
It's Not Your Fault
If you're still dealing with the aftermath of purity culture, it's helpful to remind yourself that it's not your fault. The power of indoctrination from a young age is a very real thing. Most of the time, the things we believed as young people growing up in high-control religions were presented as absolute truth by trusted authority figures. You should have been able to believe the people who claimed to care about you.
Questioning deeply held beliefs is an enormous challenge. It takes courage to re-examine what you believe and why you believe it. Recognizing harmful teachings, especially when they're wrapped in the language of love and protection, is a significant step towards healing.
Healing and Growth
Finding healing after purity culture can be a long journey, but it's far from impossible. Here are some of the steps that other Purity Culture Survivors have taken on their journeys of growth and healing.
Acknowledge the Pain and Disappointment
It's okay to feel hurt and angry by the lies you were taught to believe and the harm they caused along the way. It’s also okay to feel disappointed that there isn’t actually a set of rules that make relationships magically work out.
Seek Support and Community
Connect with others who have similar experiences. Online forums, support groups, or therapy can provide valuable support and perspective.
Redefine Personal Values and Beliefs
Take time to examine what you truly believe about relationships, sexuality, and spirituality. It's okay if these beliefs evolve over time. Changing your mind is a normal part of growth.
Finding Your Own Path to Happiness
No matter where you are on your journey away from high-control religion or purity culture, remember that there is no single "right" way to live. Your path to happiness may look different from others, and that's okay. If you’ve never asked yourself what it is that you actually want, now might be a good time to start.
Embracing self-discovery is another important part of life, especially for purity culture survivors. It might take time to understand yourself, your desires, and your boundaries. One way to honor your needs and desires is to simply focus on developing supportive connections and relationships, rather than following prescribed rules or having a specific end goal in mind.
Your Value is Inherent
Over the years, I’ve learned that fulfillment and happiness don't come from following a set of strict rules, but from living authentically and building genuine connections with others. Your worth isn't determined by how well you can follow a set of arbitrary rules, but by your inherent value as a human being.
As you move forward, be patient and kind to yourself. Healing takes time, and it's okay to take small steps. Seek out resources, connect with supportive communities, and don't be afraid to reach out and chat about what therapy could look like for you.
Writing your own story isn’t always the easiest journey, especially when you grew up in an environment that discouraged exploration and creativity. But it is one of the best ways to give yourself a chance at happily ever after.
