Purity Culture Survivors: Dazed and Divorced
For many folks who grew up in high control religions, marriage was considered the goal and purpose of growing up. Especially for those raised as women, marriage and motherhood were presented as the only truly worthwhile achievements.
So what happens when the happily ever after fails and you’re facing divorce as a former purity culture believer? How do you navigate your new reality as a divorced person? What about dating again?
Note: If you are leaving a marriage due to abuse and are looking for support and information about what to do next, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline or search organizations that can help in your area. Unfortunately, there is ample evidence that church leaders and church-provided “counselors” often care more about avoiding divorce and keeping up their image in the local media than they care about the safety of those in their congregations.
Independence Day: Now What?
Whether you feel relief and freedom or grief and confusion at the prospect of divorce, you have to face the prospect of living your life separately from your former spouse. For those who got married young or lived with their parents until marriage, this might be the first time in your life that you’ve ever experienced living alone.
Because of the strict gender norms that often come along with purity culture, you might also now be in the position of having to learn an entirely new set of life skills. For stay at home parents (usually mothers, in this case), the prospect of figuring out how to suddenly be earning enough of an income to support themselves and their children can be particularly daunting.
Aside from the emotional fallout of divorce, many newly divorced people need time just to sort through the logistics of daily life and survival without a partner. If this is where you are, be patient with yourself and know that it’s okay to put things on the back burner as you find your footing.
Personal growth and discovery are important, but so is establishing a safe home and figuring out how to put food on the table. It’s okay to let yourself focus solely on those things for a while!
Rediscovering Your Identity
Once you’ve established a sense of stability and some basic routines, then comes the fun part (and by fun, I mean extremely challenging but ultimately rewarding): figuring out who you are outside of your ex-spouse. For many purity culture survivors, their divorce is also a piece of a larger deconstruction puzzle, so you’re probably simultaneously trying to figure out who you are outside of religion.
Internal Identity
Separating your authentic beliefs from the ones that were drilled into you isn’t always simple. What do you actually believe about relationships, sexuality, and spirituality now? Are you even straight, or did you just go with it because you were “supposed” to? The good news is that you don’t have to know everything or “be ready to give an answer” at any time. Sitting in a little bit of the unknown is a natural part of growth, even if it seems uncomfortable.
External Identity
This is also your chance to dive into interests and passions you may have put on the back burner. Always wanted to try salsa dancing but your church frowned upon it? Book a lesson! Curious about that book series that your pastor’s wife had a lot of opinions about? Read it! (Come to think of it, for someone who would never be caught dead reading smut, she seemed to know a lot about it, didn’t she? Weird.)
Learning Adult Life Skills
Depending on how extreme your experience with high-control religion was, there might be life skills that you were simply never taught because it was expected that your spouse would manage them. These skills are often extremely gendered in highly religious families, but some of them apply to everyone.
Remember, it's okay to ask for help. There are plenty of resources out there for adults learning these skills later in life. Here’s just a few things my clients and friends have had to learn how to do as adults after a divorce or after moving away from their families:
Financial management
Household management
Decision-making without religious guidance
Vehicle maintenance
Applying for and maintaining jobs
Parenting From a New Paradigm
Parenting after divorce is a huge topic and no two cases will ever be the same. It’s common to feel overwhelmed at the prospect of co-parenting even in the friendliest of divorces. Add in the fact that you may be shifting your fundamental beliefs about children and parenting, and you have a recipe for all kinds of burnout.
Don’t be afraid to reach out to local community organizations for resources and support regarding parenting after divorce. Mediation assistance, therapy, parenting classes, and community education programs can help fill in the gaps as you navigate your new reality.
Approaching Relationships and Dating as an Adult
Dating after divorce is challenging. Dating after divorce as a newly out queer person who carries the baggage of purity culture is… extremely challenging. But it can also be an incredibly exciting time of self-discovery!
For many, it’s also their first real chance to learn about healthy relationship dynamics - the kind they didn't teach us in Sunday school. Things like setting boundaries, communicating effectively, and understanding that compromise doesn't mean losing yourself.
Navigating intimacy and sexuality post-purity culture is a journey in itself. Be patient with yourself as you unlearn harmful beliefs and discover what feels right for you. Ask yourself, “What do I really want?” and be accepting of your own answers.
Above all, please try to remember that your sexuality is not, in fact, a tube of toothpaste that’s being squeezed out all over the floor. It’s actually just a pretty cool part of you that you get to share with people you trust in ways that feel nourishing for you, if that turns out to be something you want to do.
Redefining "Happily Ever After"
Here's the truth: there's no one-size-fits-all happily ever after. Your path to happiness and fulfillment might look vastly different from what you imagined growing up, and that's okay.
Be patient with yourself. Celebrate small victories. And know that you're not alone in this journey. There's a whole community of purity culture survivors out here, figuring it out right alongside you.
