Purity Culture Survivors: How to Stop Leaving Room For Jesus
Many purity culture survivors, no matter how devoted they were to the idea of sexual abstinence, found themselves rolling their eyes at some point at a youth group leader unironically telling them to “leave room for Jesus.” But as cringe as the phrase was, that mental image of leaving room for Jesus has carried over into many of their adult relationships in ways that can be confusing and restrictive.
Leaving purity culture behind as an adult often means developing your own sexual ethic and learning to explore dating from a new perspective. Whether you’re nervous or excited about this step of your deconstruction journey, you can start creating space for your own desires, boundaries, and authentic self.
Unpacking the Baggage
As you begin to build a new belief system around sex and relationships, it's important to acknowledge the extent of the baggage you're carrying from purity culture. If you grew up in a high-control religion, it’s likely that purity culture didn't just give you a set of rules. It’s a common experience to realize that it actually shaped your entire understanding of relationships, sexuality, and self-worth.
Here are some old beliefs that the purity culture survivors I know are working to unlearn. Recognizing these ingrained beliefs and how they still affect you is a good first step towards developing authentic sexual ethics that feel good to you.
Sex is inherently sinful or dirty outside of marriage.
Your worth is tied to your virginity or sexual "purity."
Physical attraction and sexual desire are shameful.
There's a "right" timeline for relationships (court, marry, then sex).
Your body doesn't belong to you, but to your future spouse and to God.
Developing Your Own Sexual Ethic
Creating a personal sexual ethic isn't about throwing out everything you’ve ever believed, including the practices that keep you safe. It’s also not about refusing to set boundaries or deciding that there’s no such thing as a helpful rule.
It's about thoughtfully considering what feels right and healthy for you, outside of the beliefs you grew up with. Your sexual ethic also can (and probably will) evolve over time as you gain new experiences and insights. These questions can help you get started if you’re ready to start thinking about what feels good to you when it comes to dating, sex, and pleasure.
1. Reflect on your values.
What's truly important to you when it comes to relationships and intimacy? This might include things like mutual respect, honesty, physical pleasure, or emotional connection.
2. Educate yourself about sex.
Seeking out factual, comprehensive sex education resources can be extremely empowering for purity culture survivors. Books like Come as You Are can be a great place to start for those who would like to learn more about their bodies and pleasure. Understanding your body and sexual health can help when making informed decisions about what you are and aren’t okay with.
3. Define consent and boundaries.
Learn about enthusiastic consent and practice setting (and respecting) boundaries in all areas of your life. Many high-control religions specifically teach that consent is not important when compared to the “will of god,” and it can take some conscious work to understand how important and valuable enthusiastic consent is.
4. Consider the importance of pleasure.
Purity culture often ignores or demonizes pleasure. Allowing yourself to explore what feels good to you, both emotionally and physically, can set the stage for more fulfilling and mutually beneficial relationships. For a more holistic perspective that comes from a progressive Christian author, I recommend the book The Wisdom of Your Body.
5. Embrace nuance and change.
Sexuality and relationships are complex. It can be tempting to simply ditch your old list of rules in favor of a new list that’s just as rigid, because strict rules sometimes give us a sense of control and safety in an unpredictable world. However, it is possible to hold firmly to your boundaries while remaining open and curious, and that flexibility can often lead to truly wonderful experiences.
Exploring Dating on Your Own Terms
Dating after purity culture can sometimes feel like navigating a different country without a map. Whether you’re divorced, widowed, never married, or you’re opening up a monogamous marriage, here are some ideas for navigating dating without Jesus involved.
Take it slow
There's no rush to figure everything out at once. It's okay to take small steps and check in with yourself along the way.
Communicate openly
Practice talking about your boundaries, desires, and concerns with potential partners. Open communication can be intimidating, but it’s also essential to creating healthy relationships.
Trust your instincts
If something feels off or uncomfortable, listen to that feeling. You don't need to justify your discomfort to anyone. Remember, “No” is a full sentence.
Explore different types of relationships
Purity culture presents only one acceptable relationship dynamic (cisgendered, heterosexual, monogamous marriage). Allow yourself to consider what types of connections feel fulfilling to you, whether that's casual dating, committed partnerships, or something else entirely.
Prioritize your safety and well-being
This includes both physical safety (like practicing safe sex) and emotional well-being (like setting boundaries and respecting your own needs).
Embracing Your Authentic Self
As you develop your own sexual ethic and explore dating after purity culture, you're also embarking on a journey of self-discovery. Taking the time to consider your own personal sexual ethics isn't just about sex or relationships – it's about learning to trust yourself while honoring your own needs and desires.
You might discover aspects of yourself that you always had to suppress before. Maybe you're queer, or polyamorous, or even super kinky! Approach these discoveries with curiosity and compassion.
Remember, there's no "right" way to do this. Some people might choose to remain celibate or wait for marriage because it aligns with their personal values. Others might dive into exploring their sexuality in ways that would make their teenage selves gasp in shock. Many will find themselves somewhere in between.
The main question is, what do you want? Are you making choices based on your own values, desires, and boundaries? Or are you listening to old voices that are trying to shame you into acting a certain way?
Conclusion
As you continue your journey towards a more authentic life, remember that you're not alone. There's a whole community of purity culture survivors out there, figuring it out as they go. Be kind to yourself, stay curious, and don't be afraid to take up all the space you need.
And remember… you only need to leave room for a third person in your bedroom if that’s what you’re into.
