Purity Culture Survivors: We're Here, We're Queer, and We Might Not Be Monogamous
If you've been reading along with this blog series, you've probably noticed a theme: there's no one-size-fits-all approach to relationships and sexuality. There is a big, beautiful, diverse world of romantic and sexual relationships that exist beyond the narrow confines of purity culture and heteronormativity.
Obviously, not every deconstructed christian is queer or neurodivergent, and not every queer, neurodivergent person is non-monogamous or a former church kid. However, my experience tells me that there’s a pretty high number of non-monogamous folks who have a churchy background and also identify as queer and/or neurodiverse in some way.
Is it because these folks start questioning all the “norms” and just never stop? Or maybe because their natural inclination towards the “unacceptable” things led them away from church? Either way, a conversation about purity culture survivors wouldn’t be complete without a discussion of non-traditional relationship structures.
Breaking Free from the Relationship Escalator
Purity culture taught us that there was only one “proper” progression of events in relationships: meet, court, marry, have kids, stay together (exclusively) forever. This progression is sometimes referred to as the "relationship escalator," and it also exists in secular culture in similar ways. For instance, becoming exclusive, moving in together, and getting engaged are seen as natural and necessary steps in the dating process.
In reality, meaningful relationships can take many different forms, and don’t have to include these expected “next steps” in order to deepen. Folks can have meaningful, life-long partnerships with someone they never intend to live with. Others might live with a friend who they sometimes have sex with. Some folks live alone with multiple committed partnerships, and others live with platonic life partners while maintaining multiple casual relationships outside of that.
The point is, the relationship escalator has taught us that experiencing specific steps that escalate along a particular path is the only way to experience fulfilling relationships. Deconstructing these norms can be challenging, but often leads to a more diverse understanding of love and connection.
Embracing the Rainbow: LGBTQ+ Identities
For many purity culture survivors, exploring their true sexual orientation and gender identity is an important part of their journey. Whether you’ve known you were queer all along but just came out, or you're only recently realizing that you're not as straight or cisgender as you once thought, welcome to the queer side! (We have glitter. And D&D. And so many cosplay outfits.)
One thing that can be tough to remember in the excitement that comes with exploring your identity is that there's no rush to label yourself. It's also okay if your identity evolves over time. If it feels good to you to use labels, here are a few common ones.
Gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual
Asexual or aromantic
Transgender, non-binary, genderqueer
Queer as a catch-all term for "not straight and/or not cisgender"
Learning about different LGBTQ+ identities can be a great way to find support and learn more about yourself. Get involved in local pride or LGBTQ+ events, follow queer educators online, or simply do some good old-fashioned googling when you have questions.
Beyond Monogamy: Ethical Non-Monogamy and Polyamory
For some people, the idea of non-monogamy can be shocking, or perhaps seem like only a phase someone might go through. But many folks find deep happiness and fulfillment in relationships that aren't exclusively between two people.
Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes many different relationship styles. While not a complete list, here are a few of the more common types of non monogamy you might encounter in the wild.
1. Open Relationships
Partners are free to have sexual (and sometimes romantic) connections outside the primary relationship. Typically, the primary relationship will remain the priority, with other connections being viewed as secondary or less committed. While each couple is different, many couples in open relationships choose to have rules and boundaries around things like who their partners are getting involved with (such as “friends are off limits”) or what they would like to know about (for example, “don’t ask, don’t tell” policies.)
2. Polyamory
Polyamorous folks are willing to have multiple committed romantic relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved. Polyamorous relationships can range from “parallel” polyamory (where a person’s various partners never meet each other and maintain totally separate relationships) to “kitchen table” polyamory (where groups of partners regularly spend time together or even live together.)
3. Relationship Anarchy
Relationship anarchists reject traditional relationship hierarchies and allow each relationship to develop organically. They often place platonic relationships on the same level as romantic or sexual relationships, and might consider themselves to be their own “primary” partner. Many relationship anarchists choose to avoid financially or logistically enmeshing their lives with others.
4. Swinging
Swingers are most often committed couples who engage in recreational sexual activities with other couples or individuals. Swinger couples often have firm boundaries around emotional intimacy and focus mostly on playing together and enjoying shared sexual experiences with others. Swinging tends to focus on sexual novelty rather than emotional intimacy. This can sometimes be at odds with polyamory, with its focus on the ability to maintain multiple meaningful relationships simultaneously. However, as long as everyone involved is aware of and consenting to the dynamic, both are valid versions of Ethical Non-Monogamy.
All of these relationship styles can be fulfilling in different ways for those involved. As long as there is consent, respect, and clear communication, there is no “wrong” way to be non-monogamous. However, some folks who are new to non-monogamy can get into tricky situations when they don’t understand the terms others are using, or have an unclear understanding of what type of relationship they are getting into.
If you’re new to non-monogamy, take some time to understand the different terms that might be used, and consider what you are looking for in relationships. There are numerous books, podcasts, and educators that can help you navigate this new and exciting relationship space. The Ethical Slut and Polysecure are two books that can be helpful to those considering (or practicing) a non-monogamous relationship style.
Celebrating Your Journey
Wherever you are, take a moment to celebrate how far you've come. Breaking free from purity culture's restrictive teachings is no small thing. You're reclaiming your right to define love, relationships, and sexuality on your own terms, and that's something to be proud of.
Remember, there's no "right" way to do relationships or sexuality. What matters is that you're making choices that align with your values, respect your boundaries, and bring you joy. You are worthy of love, pleasure, and fulfillment, no matter what form that takes in your life.
Whether you're gay, straight, bi, pan, ace, aro, mono, poly, kinky, vanilla, or still figuring it all out - you are valid. And if you’d like someone to talk to along the way, feel free to reach out for a consult. I would love to see if I would be a good fit to support you, or offer some resources that could help.
