Life After Small Group: Finding Your People
Most ex-church kids know that “Small Group” was where we were supposed to make meaningful connections with other believers. It’s where we were meant to “do life together.”
I’ve met a few folks who made real, lasting friendships in small groups. I’ve also met more than a few that felt it was more of a spiritual performance than anything. Whether or not we felt deeply connected to the people in them, small groups at least gave us all somewhere to go on Wednesday nights and a group of people we could ask for a ride to the airport.
When you leave church behind, that built-in community support often disappears too. It’s one of the reasons it can be so hard to consider leaving when your whole life has revolved around friends from church and church-related activities.
What We Miss When We Leave
There are many genuinely good things about having a built-in community. Regular social interaction and shared experiences can improve your quality of life and have positive impacts on mental and physical health. Having designated, weekly times and places to see people means you don't have to think too hard about maintaining friendships – the structure does a lot of that work for you.
After leaving a high-control religion, it’s common to have to start completely over with building your support system. When your entire social circle was connected to church, leaving can sometimes mean losing contact with everyone you considered family (even if it was a dysfunctional, harmful one.)
If you’re able to maintain some friendships, the dynamics may still change when you don’t share beliefs and religious practices anymore. Building a new community from scratch can feel overwhelming, but it also gives you the chance to surround yourself with folks who love you for who you truly are rather than who you were expected to be.
Chosen Family is Real Family
Families have always been much more diverse than the western nuclear family model, even if the church likes to argue that (straight) nuclear families are “God’s design.” Throughout history, humans have created meaningful bonds and family systems outside of biological or religious connections.
This is especially true in LGBTQ+ communities, where “chosen family” has been a life-saving concept for many decades. People on the margins of society all over the world have always found ways to band together in support of each other.
Chosen family might include friends who've walked similar paths, supportive colleagues, or folks from hobby groups and online communities. These connections aren't any less valid just because you don’t pray together once a week.
Building New Connections
Making friends as an adult in 2025 can be tricky for anyone. Where are you even supposed to meet people, anyway? Plus, many ex-church-kids are left with anxiety or trauma from past religious experiences that can make putting themselves out there even harder.
If you’re ready to start meeting folks and making friends outside the church, here are some ideas to get you started:
Interest-based groups (book clubs, gaming groups, theater clubs)
LGBTQ+ community centers and events
Volunteer groups for causes you care about
Local meetup groups for specific activities (knitting, hiking, bird watching)
Online communities for people with shared experiences
Online or IRL?
Many folks find their first post-church connections online. Online spaces can be a low-pressure way to start connecting with others who share your interests. Plus, no one will try to hug you or “lay hands on you in prayer” without asking first. So that’s a bonus.
Along with online friends, there are some wonderful benefits to having an in-person support system. If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, try to join at least one group that hosts local meetups so you can start to make some IRL connections.
As you build your new community, remember that it's okay to take breaks when you need them. Building meaningful connections, online and IRL, takes emotional energy. If you're also processing religious trauma or other major life changes, you might need to pace yourself. Listen to your own needs and trust that the right connections will develop in their own time.
Creating Your Own Spaces
If you can’t find any groups that sound interesting to you, you can also start your own. Starting a meetup group or regular gathering might sound intimidating, but it can be as simple as:
Monthly gaming nights at your place
Weekly lunch dates with co-workers
Book clubs focused on topics you care about
Casual hiking groups for fellow nature lovers
Mixed-Belief Friendships
Not every friendship has to be with someone who shares your exact journey. Some of your old friends might stick around, even if they don't fully understand your decisions. Others might be in the process of deconstructing their own faith but not ready to leave church completely.
Learning to navigate these relationships takes practice. If you need to, set clear boundaries about religious discussions or triggering topics. Be honest with yourself about what you need and want from these friendships, and remember that you don't owe anyone an explanation of your choices.
Quality Over Quantity
One of the best parts about building community on your own terms is that you get to prioritize quality over quantity. You don't need dozens of surface-level connections or a packed social calendar to have meaningful community. Sometimes one or two genuine friendships where you can truly be yourself are worth more than a whole church directory full of people who only know your Sunday morning persona.
The dictionary defines “authentic” as “true to one's own personality, spirit, or character.” Being able to present your authentic self to others can lead to all kinds of benefits, including richer relationships and better mental health.
Your authentic self deserves to be seen, known, and celebrated. Building the kind of community that does that can take time, but it's worth the effort.
If you're struggling to navigate life after leaving church, I would love to talk about what meaningful connection could look like for you. Schedule a consult here, and we’ll discover if I could be a good fit to support you as you build connections that celebrate all of who you are.
