Rewriting the Rules: Queer Love Beyond Gender Roles

If you grew up in religious spaces, strict rules about relationships and gender roles were probably preached from the pulpit, taught in youth group, and reinforced in every piece of relationship advice you received. There were clear expectations about who should do what, how relationships should progress, and what roles each person should play.

Even when we leave church or stop believing religious teachings about relationships, we're still living in a culture full of unwritten rules and assumptions about how partnerships "should" work. It’s why queer couples often get asked ridiculous questions like, “But who’s the man/woman in the relationship?” and why polyamorous folks get asked, “But which one is your real partner?”

Gender Role Baggage

Most of us are carrying around a lot of assumptions about how relationships "should" work. Even if we've rejected religious beliefs about gender roles, we've absorbed countless messages from society about who should do what in a relationship. These assumptions show up in the smallest ways: Who makes dinner? Who handles car maintenance? Who's supposed to plan dates? Who takes the lead in bed?

In straight relationships, these roles often default to gender-based expectations, even when it doesn’t actually serve the people involved. In queer relationships, we have the opportunity (and sometimes the anxiety-inducing responsibility) to figure out what actually makes us happy as individuals. 

It’s important to approach our assumptions and expectations about gender roles and relationships with curiosity and compassion. Growing up in high-control religion can leave us with many subconscious beliefs that were formed at very young ages. Until we uncover these beliefs and start to shift them consciously, they’ll continue to inform our decisions and actions. 

Starting Fresh

As  you uncover these beliefs and start to leave assumptions about gender roles behind, it’s time to create relationship dynamics based on who you and your partner(s) actually are. How do you relate to each other? What do each of you have capacity for? What feels authentic to you and your relationship?

Take household responsibilities, for example. Without gender roles dictating who does what, you're free to divide tasks based on what each person has the capacity for. Maybe one partner loves to cook but hates cleaning. Maybe one of you struggles with remembering to pay bills on time. Maybe both of you are currently in an interior decorating hyperfixation phase and have to remind each other not to spend all your money on furniture restoration supplies. 

In my opinion, all couples would benefit from rejecting gender-based assumptions and doing what works for them as individuals. One of the beautiful things about queer relationships is that they naturally challenge gender roles. When there's no "man of the house," you have to actually talk about who does what and why. These conversations often lead to more balanced relationships.

The Neurodivergent Perspective

Many neurodivergent folks have spent years carefully learning unspoken social scripts and relationship "rules" as a way to navigate a neurotypical world. When you learn that you no longer have to follow rules that never made sense to you in the first place, you may be relieved. Or maybe you feel overwhelmed at the idea of starting from scratch. Maybe you feel a bit of both! 

Thankfully, neurodivergent people are really good at thinking outside the box. Once you realize you can abandon a particular set of social rules, you can begin creating systems that actually work for your brain. Often, this simply involves being honest and direct about your needs and expectations in a relationship. (Who knew, right?) 

The intersection of queerness and neurodivergence often creates uniquely beautiful opportunities for authentic relationships. When you're already used to navigating the world differently, creating your own relationship rules might even feel more natural. 

Creating Your Own Playbook

So how do you actually go about building relationship dynamics that work for you? Start with honest communication about your needs, expectations, and limits. A lot of former church kids might find themselves needing to do some work around communication and setting clear boundaries, since they were usually discouraged from speaking up about their needs and wants when they were young. 

Making Home Life Work

The daily work of managing a household looks different for everyone. Instead of defaulting to gender-based assumptions about who handles what, consider what actually makes sense for you and your partner(s). 

Sometimes the fairest approach is simply "whoever notices it first deals with it." Other times, disabilities or time constraints may be the deciding factor. It can help to make a list together of what things need to be done around the house on a regular basis, and go from there. 

Mental and Emotional Labor 

Our western, patriarchal society often places the burden of mental and emotional labor primarily on women. In queer relationships, we have the opportunity to share this responsibility more equally. Both (or all) partners can plan dates, initiate intimacy, maintain social connections, and check in about emotional needs.

When everyone in a relationship can  be vulnerable, nurturing, and strong, there is often deeper emotional connection. When no single person feels pressured to be "the strong one" or "the sensitive one," everyone feels more free to express their full range of emotions and needs.

Financial and Legal Considerations

Many traditional financial systems were designed with straight couples in mind. If you are merging finances with a partner, especially if you are not legally married, it can be helpful to chat with a financial expert who can help make sure you have the legal protections you need in case of emergencies. 

If you have children, it’s also important to talk to an expert who can help you navigate things like adoption paperwork, parental rights, and paid parental leave. Unfortunately, there are still some unique legal obstacles that some queer families face when it comes to growing their families. Be sure to review your local laws together if needed. 

The Freedom to Be Yourself

Rewriting relationship rules isn't just about rejecting traditional gender roles. It's about building something authentic and life-giving for everyone involved. When you're free from prescribed roles and can express all the parts of yourself without fear, you’ll find that your connections have the opportunity to become deeper and more honest. 

Remember, no matter who you are or how you identify, you don't owe anyone an explanation of how your relationship works. As long as everyone is happy, consenting, and growing together, you’re doing it! 

If you need support navigating relationship dynamics after leaving traditional religious spaces or want to explore what authentic connection could look like for you, feel free to reach out for a consultation. I’d love to find out if I’d be a good fit to support you on your journey, or offer some resources for you to explore.