How to Form New, Guilt-Free Holiday Traditions
For many folks who come from high-control religions or closed-minded families of origin, the holidays can feel less like celebration and more like survival. The pressure to participate in traditions that no longer feel authentic - or worse, are actively harmful to your well-being - can be intense.
The good news is, you get to decide what feels good to you when it comes to participating in family gatherings, celebrations, and holiday events. WIth space, time, and intention, you can even create new traditions that are meaningful to you and your loved ones.
The Weight of Tradition
By itself, a tradition is not something that is necessarily good or bad, it’s simply an action that is wrapped in memory and meaning and repeated regularly. But because family bonds and religious identity often drive tradition, the way we feel about them will likely change as we grow.
Folks who were harmed or suppressed by their families and religions of origin probably aren’t going to feel warm fuzzies when they participate in some of the traditions they grew up with. When you step away from religious traditions in particular, you might receive backlash from friends and family who don’t understand.
"But we've always done it this way."
"It won't feel like Christmas without you there."
"Can't you just participate for the family's sake?"
These guilt trips hit particularly hard if they come from people you still care about who genuinely don't understand why you can't just bow your head for grace or sit through one more sermon about the "true meaning" of Christmas.
The thing is, obligation-based gatherings rarely bring joy. When you're constantly monitoring your words, managing others' emotions, and trying to protect your own boundaries, it's nearly impossible to actually enjoy yourself.
The Ghost of Christmas Past
Former church kids know quite well that religious celebrations come with a lot of potential triggers.
Forced participation in church services, pointed prayers about "lost sheep” at the dinner table, and uncomfortable questions about your current beliefs are common experiences for most ex-religious folks returning home for the holidays.
Besides the obvious trigger points, there might be more complex emotions as well. Maybe you actually miss some aspects of your old traditions (who doesn’t like delicious food and aesthetic lighting?) Maybe you're grieving the loss of community or questioning whether you're doing the right thing. Maybe you have siblings or cousins you still care about and want to see.
It's okay to acknowledge what you genuinely miss while still choosing something different. Sometimes it can be hard to separate the warm feelings of togetherness from the religious context they occurred in, but you can create new ways to experience that warmth without the baggage.
Planning New Traditions
Creating new traditions from scratch doesn’t have to be complicated. For some folks, just intentionally spending time alone doing something they enjoy can be enough to make a holiday or birthday feel special.
If you’re someone who wants to bring others together and create opportunities to celebrate in community, here are a few ideas to help get you thinking about what you’d like that to look like.
1. Questions to Consider
What elements of celebration bring you genuine joy?
Which holiday activities feel meaningful to you?
What new experiences would you like to try?
What values do you want your celebrations to reflect?
2. What Feels Good to You
Intimate gatherings with chosen family
Community service activities
Nature-based celebrations
Cultural festivals
Travel adventures
Cozy stay-at-home festivities
3. Build Your Guest List
Who makes you feel safe and accepted?
Which friends share your values?
What boundaries need to be in place?
How can you create an inclusive space?
4. Choose Meaningful Activities
Shared meals
Gift exchanges
Games and entertainment
Creative projects
Outdoor adventures
Quiet reflection time
Your Chosen Family
One of the most beautiful parts of creating new traditions is the opportunity to build genuine connections. Your chosen family might include friends who've walked similar paths, supportive colleagues, and other "holiday orphans" who understand your journey. It could encompass partners and their families, neighbors and community members, or anyone else who celebrates you exactly as you are.
Creating celebrations where everyone feels welcome and valued takes intentional effort. It can mean anything from making space for different beliefs and practices to accommodating various dietary needs and personal preferences. It means being flexible with timing and commitments and understanding that everyone's social capacity is unique.
Dealing with the Old While Building the New
Setting boundaries with your family of origin is often the hardest part of this journey. It’s okay to be direct about your plans without over-explaining or defending your choices. You can offer alternative ways to connect with you if you’re open to it, or simply respond with a, “No thank you, I have other plans this year.”
Making the choice to start your own traditions can feel different for different folks. You might find yourself cycling through guilt, grief, and relief about your decision. Feeling uncertainty, even when you know you’re making the right decision for you, is normal and common. (And no, it’s not actually the Holy Spirit convicting you.)
A good place to start is thinking about traditions you can maintain long-term while remaining flexible enough to adjust as your needs change. Your new traditions don't need to be set in stone - they can evolve as you do.
Finding Joy
You deserve to celebrate in ways that feel authentic and life-giving. Whether that means a quiet day at home, a festive gathering with chosen family, or something completely different, your holidays get to reflect who you are now - not who you used to be or who others want you to be.
Many former church kids and queer folks are walking similar paths, learning to create meaningful celebrations that honor their growth and authenticity. If you’d like to explore the option of support along the way, feel free to reach out for a consult.
