Still Family: Maintaining Relationships (Or Not) After Leaving Religion
If your family’s holiday gatherings now include a pointed, sermon-style prayer about "those who have strayed," congratulations! You’re now officially an ex-church-kid. The freedom might be nice, but the new family dynamics aren’t always great.
Maintaining relationships with friends and family after leaving a high-control religion isn’t always the easiest path. For some folks, it might not even be the right choice. But for those who want to stay in contact with their families of origin after drastically changing their beliefs, there are ways to mitigate the harm that’s done along the way.
When Everything Changed (But They Didn't)
For many former church kids, one of the hardest parts of leaving is realizing that while your worldview has changed dramatically, your family hasn't. Even when you know it on an intellectual level, it can be emotionally jarring to realize that the beliefs and practices that harmed you are still deeply meaningful to them. This can turn every interaction into a delicate dance of competing thoughts and perspectives.
You might find yourself tensing up before every family gathering, rehearsing responses to anticipated questions, and feeling like it’s hard to enjoy yourself while experiencing disappointment from the people you love. Remaining authentic while also wanting to keep the peace during family celebrations is a conundrum that many queer and ex-religious folks struggle with.
What If It’s Not Safe?
For some folks, especially LGBTQ+ young people still relying on family support, it’s safer to keep your thoughts to yourself. Until you can remove yourself from a potentially dangerous situation, there is nothing wrong with staying quiet to stay safe.
If you’ve left your family of origin and no longer feel safe interacting with them in any capacity, that’s okay too! I don’t advocate for staying in relationships with anyone who is actively harming you (or who is unable to acknowledge how their past actions and words have harmed you.)
There are many people who still want or need to maintain some level of contact with their families, even if it’s once or twice a year for the holidays. If that’s the situation you’re in, this post is for you.
Naming the Stressful Moments
You’re likely highly aware of what kinds of moments are stressful with your particular family, but here’s a few common points of conflict that come up across the board for folks who have “left the fold.”
Prayer before meals
Religious holiday celebrations
Discussions about raising children
Wedding ceremonies and traditions
Family Bible studies or devotionals
Conversations about current events
Questions about church attendance
Deciding What You Can Live With
Before you can set effective boundaries, it's helpful to get clear about your own limits. Consider your personal non-negotiables and make a list of things you are and are not okay with when it comes to interacting with religious family members.
Which situations trigger anxiety or distress for you?
What practices feel actively harmful to participate in?
Where are you willing to compromise?
What messages do you want to model for your kids if you have them?
One thing worth exploring is the difference between respectful presence and active participation. You get to decide where that line is for you and make the choice not to cross it.
Creating New Boundaries
Creating a new normal with family members or long-term friends who expect you to behave a certain way can be tricky. It can take some practice to get comfortable setting firm limits on the ways you interact with people, especially if they resist or try to invalidate your boundaries.
If you decide that you’d like to continue to interact with family members, even if it’s just occasionally, it can be helpful to plan ahead. Being ready with a plan is especially important during the holidays, when the expectation for conversation (and the potential for overstimulation) is high.
Tips for Planning Family Visits
Plan shorter visits with clear start and end times.
Schedule activities that will keep everyone’s focus on something neutral, like holiday baking or crafting.
Take breaks when you need them, and have a place to go if you need to leave early.
Communication Tools
When topics come up that you aren’t comfortable discussing with family members, try to have some gentle, but firm, responses ready. It’s okay to practice saying them out loud ahead of time!
"I appreciate your concern, but I'm not comfortable discussing my spiritual/dating life."
"Let's focus on enjoying our time together instead."
"I value our relationship and want to find ways we can connect beyond religion."
Managing Expectations
Saying no to things we used to do can feel overwhelming, especially with the folks we grew up with. After you’ve decided on your personal non-negotiables, decide how you’ll follow through on your decisions.
Remember, “No” is a full sentence, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. It can be tricky to set clear expectations without apologizing, but it’s worth learning and practicing phrases like these.
"We won't be attending church, but we'd love to meet for lunch after."
"The kids won't be participating in family devotions, but they'd love to hear Grandma's stories about her childhood."
"I won't be saying a prayer, but I'm happy to wait while others pray."
Finding Your Balance
There's rarely a perfect solution when navigating familial relationships as a religious trauma survivor. Instead, work towards finding a way to balance your desire for these relationships with your need to take care of yourself. Keep asking yourself, “What do I want from this relationship? Is it possible to get that?” and then be honest with yourself about the answer.
Practical Strategies
1. Build a support network outside of your family of origin. Have someone you can call and process with after family events.
2. Create new holiday traditions that align with your values. Invite family members to join you if it makes sense and they’re willing to.
3. Find points of connection beyond religion, even if it means that your interactions are more surface level than you’d like them to me.
4. Practice self-care before and after family events. Check in with yourself and ask for support if you need it.
Building Your Support System
Navigating family relationships after leaving high-control religion can be hard, daunting, emotional work. So many folks struggle to find the right balance between maintaining family connections and protecting their own well-being.
As you build your support system, feel free to reach out for a consult. I would love to discover if I’d be a good fit to support you on your journey, or connect you with resources that could help.
