What if Your New Years' Resolution Was to Not Have One?

New Year’s resolutions are one of those things that everyone seems to talk about, but not many people actually stick to. There are hundreds of articles out there about how to set better New Year’s resolutions, how to stick to your goals, and how to not be in the 91% of people who fail to follow through on their plans.

But for many who have lived a life of constantly trying to improve themselves, New Year’s resolutions are just another way to add pressure to themselves to do or be better. For my part, I hope to encourage you to start to look at growth, goals, and the expectations you have for yourself just a little bit differently. 

Avoid the Trap of Perfectionism 

Growing up in high-control religious spaces and other strict environments can contribute to struggles with shame and perfectionism. Being told repeatedly that you must strive for perfection is an experience that can lead to the insidious idea that you are never good enough no matter what you do. 

The idea that we must be perfect can also lead to a constant desire for growth, which on the surface can often get you a lot of praise and positive comments. “You’re such a hard worker! You’re so good at focusing on your personal growth. You know yourself so well!” Sound familiar? 

The desire for growth and self-improvement in and of itself is not a bad thing. In fact, it can be a wonderful thing! The trouble comes when your goal is not growth, but perfection. This leads to the feeling that you have to be growing all the time in order to reach some ideal version of yourself that is actually unattainable. 

Growth Doesn’t Have to Be Constant 

As those around  you start to talk about their New Year’s resolutions, it might be a good time to remind yourself that you don’t have to constantly be growing in order to be successful. Just like children grow in spurts, your personal growth will come in waves. Pressuring yourself to grow at a constant, fast pace all the time is a recipe for disappointment and shame when you inevitably hit a plateau in your personal growth journey. 

Personal growth is also not linear. You will have setbacks and moments of reverting to old patterns of behavior that no longer serve you. Instead of treating those moments like failures, or telling yourself that you’re not good enough, let them be reminders that there is no perfect way to experience growth and healing. 

Take Time to Celebrate Your Progress

One way to combat perfectionism and the shame of feeling like you’re not “doing enough” is to celebrate your progress, instead of only focusing on how far you still have to go. You wouldn’t say to a marathon runner on mile 13, “Ugh, I can’t believe you haven’t run the next 13 miles yet!” In the same way, you can’t expect yourself to be further than you are right now in your personal growth journey. 

If you are someone who tends to only focus on how far you still have to go, I encourage you to take some time to really think about how far you have already come. Celebrate the growth you have achieved and remind yourself that you are where you are because of the hard work you have already done. 

Review Your Last Year Instead 

Instead of getting caught up in New Year’s resolutions that might only serve to make you feel bad, why not set aside some time to review your last year instead? If you decide to do this, remember to approach your reflections with compassion and celebration. If you are only looking at your past year with a critical eye, it won’t help you celebrate your growth any more than setting resolutions would. 

Make a list of all the positive things you have accomplished in the last year. This can be concrete things, like getting a job or starting therapy. They can also be invisible things, like being able to stay more regulated in stressful situations or experiencing more positive connections with people. Try to celebrate the things you write down without adding any negative self talk about what more you “should” have done. 

If you have a friend or family member who would be willing to do this with you, ask them what positive changes or growth they have seen you make in the last year. Sometimes it’s hard to see our own growth until we hear it come from someone who has an outside perspective. Just make sure you ask someone who is willing and able to keep things positive and celebrate your wins with you. 

Set Goals That Feel Good 

If you’d still like to set some goals for yourself for the coming year, remember to ask yourself this question before you start making your checklist: “Does this goal feel good to me?” 

For many people with religious trauma or high-control backgrounds, this can be an uncomfortable question at first. We might not be used to asking ourselves what feels good to us. In fact, we were probably taught to actively deny ourselves anything that felt good. This is a good opportunity to start to shift that narrative into one that affirms our right to feel good about the decisions we’re making and the goals we are setting for ourselves. 

Do the goals you are setting feel sustainable? Do they feel like something you actually want, or are they coming from a place of shame about what you “should” be doing? (We all know what happens when you “should” yourself, right?) 

There’s nothing wrong with having a New Year’s resolution. But maybe, this year your resolution could simply be to not pressure yourself into having one.