To Slut or Not To Slut? Helpful Tips for Releasing Shame
Content Warning: This post discusses consensual adult sexual relationships and religious teachings about sex. If you're looking for resources about sexual abuse or assault, here are some places to find support:
One thing that comes up consistently in ex-vangelical spaces is that we’re often left with some pretty complicated feelings about sex. Maybe you spent years convinced that every sexual thought was evidence of your sinful nature. Or perhaps you were taught that your worth was directly tied to your "purity."
Rebuilding your relationship with sex and intimacy after religious trauma can sometimes understandably take a backseat to more pressing issues like finding safe housing or working towards financial stability. On the other hand, questions about sexuality can often be the catalyst for leaving high control religion.
Unfortunately, no matter your reasons for deconstructing purity culture, the consequences of your learned beliefs don't disappear overnight just because you've walked away from church. Just like other beliefs that no longer serve us, we have to bring them to light and decide if we still want them to be a part of our lives going forward.
The Different Faces of Sexual Shame
Sexual shame shows up differently for different people, but there are some common themes for most folks who grew up in purity culture.
Gender and Sexual Double Standards
Even in progressive churches, sexual double standards are the norm. Youth group boys are told to "guard their eyes" and have an accountability partner, while girls are taught to guard... well, everything. The message was always clear: male sexuality is all-consuming, and boys should do their best to ignore their “urges.” Meanwhile, girls showing any hint of sexuality is dangerous and needs to be suppressed entirely.
The message from either side has always been one of guilt, shame, and repression. It may affect you differently depending on the gender you were raised as, but the only “winners” in purity culture are those who hold the power.
LGBTQ+ Religious Trauma
For those of us who grew up queer in high-control religions, there was an extra layer of complexity to the awkward annual “talk” at youth group. The complete denial of LGBTQ+ identities in religious spaces often meant that we had no framework for even understanding our feelings, let alone accepting them. This led many of us to suppress not just our sexuality, but our authentic selves entirely.
The Reality of Internalization
Over time, these messages can become more than just external rules and begin to feel like the voice in our heads. These internalized beliefs can be sneaky, showing up in unexpected ways long after we think we've moved past them. This disconnect between what we consciously believe and what we feel on a gut level is completely normal for folks healing from religious sexual shame.
What They Taught Us About Sex
Much of what religion taught us about sex was designed to control our behavior through fear. The focus was always on preventing any sexual expression that didn't fit within very narrow religious parameters.
The "Ultimate Sin" Mentality
Sex outside of heterosexual marriage was often presented as the worst possible sin you could commit. The focus on sexual "purity" often overshadowed more important things like kindness, honesty, and treating others with respect. Many of us learned to judge ourselves and others based primarily on adherence to sexual rules rather than on how we treated people.
Purity Culture's Impact
Most former church kids remember the object lessons about chewed gum or crushed flower petals. These harmful metaphors taught us that our worth was directly tied to our sexual choices, and that we could be permanently "damaged" by normal sexual experiences.
The impact of these teachings doesn't just disappear when we intellectually reject them. Many people find themselves struggling with intimacy, unable to feel truly present during sexual encounters, or battling persistent feelings of being "dirty" or "used up" - even when they don’t consciously believe those things. .
Untangling Sex from Morality
When we step away from religious teachings about sex, we have the opportunity to develop our own ethical framework based on consent, mutual respect, and personal values.
A New Framework
When we leave high control religion behind, we get to build a sexual and moral framework that’s centered on consent, communication, and mutual care. This means understanding that the "morality" of sexual choices isn't about who, when, or how many - it's about whether everyone involved is enthusiastically consenting and treating each other with respect.
Whether you're straight, cis, trans, queer, monogamous, polyamorous, or ace, the same principles of consent and respect can apply to your relationships.
What Actually Matters
When we strip away the religious drama around sex, what actually matters becomes much clearer. Physical and emotional safety, honest communication, clear boundaries, and mutual enjoyment are far more important than following a set of arbitrary rules about who can do what with whom.
This doesn't mean that sex is meaningless or that we should ignore our emotions around it. It just means that we get to decide for ourselves what meaning we give to our sexual experiences.
Reclaiming Your Sexuality
Moving from shame to liberation in any context is a journey, not a destination. It's okay to take your time and figure things out as you go.
The Power of Choice
Making your own choices about sex and relationships can feel overwhelming after years of having those choices dictated by others. Start small and practice listening to your own desires and boundaries. What do you actually want? What makes you feel safe and comfortable?
Remember that you have the right to say both "yes" and "no" based on your authentic feelings, not based on what you think you "should" do or what others expect from you.
Reclaiming Stigmatized Terms
Some folks find power in reclaiming words that were once used to shame them, like “slut” or “promiscuous.” Taking back these terms can be a part of healing for some, but it’s entirely a personal choice. You get to decide which terms feel empowering to you and which ones you'd rather leave behind.
Writing Your Own Story
Your sexual journey belongs to you. You get to decide what values and practices feel authentic to you, and you don’t need to justify those choices to anyone else. Embrace casual sex, seek committed monogamy, explore ethical non-monogamy, maintain celibacy… As long as they’re consensual, your choices are valid.
Remember These Things
As you move through your own unique sexual exploration journey, there are a few things I want you to remember:
You can change your mind at any time. You don’t owe anyone access to your body, even if you’ve consented to sexual activities with them before.
There's no timeline for healing. You’re allowed to have a huge slut phase the second you step outside the church walls, and you’re also allowed to never want sex again. It’s up to you.
You deserve pleasure and joy. Sexual or not, you deserve to feel cherished, respected, and desired in ways that feel good to you.
If you'd like support in your journey away from religious shame, feel free to reach out for a consultation. I'd love to explore whether I might be a good fit to support you in this important work.
