No Straight Answers: Life Beyond the "Good" Book
If you’ve spent any time arguing with religious folks, you've probably heard some version of this question: "If you don't follow the Bible, how will you know what's right and wrong?" (First of all, I’m pretty sure that shirt is made of mixed fabrics and you’re not out here stoning your rebellious teenager, Sharon… But I digress.)
As cringe-worthy as the question might seem when it comes from a stranger on the internet, the concept itself is actually something that I talk to a lot of deconstructing folks about: “How do I know my decisions are the right ones when I no longer trust or believe the decision-making framework I grew up with?”
Morality Isn’t Binary
It’s hard to blame anyone for wanting a set of clear-cut rules to follow. When every decision can be categorized as either "godly" or "sinful”, complex situations can feel a lot less intimidating. In some ways, it’s like having a moral GPS that always tells you exactly where to turn.
The problem with strict binary thinking, of course, is that real life is messy, complicated, and full of gray areas that don't fit neatly into "right" or "wrong" categories. Demanding that everyone fit into carefully constructed boxes only winds up hurting people, as many former church kids know all too well.
Compassion as a Moral Compass
So, if we're not using the Bible or a list of church rules to guide our decisions, what are we supposed to use as a moral compass? Most people could agree that we should try to base our choices on what causes the least harm and the most good for ourselves and others. Or, more simply: we start practicing compassion.
Compassion for Yourself
Recognize your own worth and dignity
Honor your own needs and boundaries
Treat yourself with kindness, even when you make mistakes
Ask yourself, “What do I want?” and take the answer seriously
Compassion for Others
Try to understand things from different perspectives
Consider the impact of your actions on those around you
Treat others with kindness, even when they make mistakes
Practice open, honest communication, even when it’s scary
Tools for Ethical Decision-Making
What about when it’s not so clear which choice is the compassionate one? What happens when choosing compassion for yourself hurts someone else, or vice-versa? How do we navigate ethical nuance?
First of all, these are questions that philosophers have been asking since philosophy was invented. Sometimes, there really is no one “best” answer, no matter how you categorize right and wrong. Letting go of the impossible search for the “perfect” choice can give you space to consider a wider range of options, and allow you to weigh different costs and benefits in each scenario.
The good news is, there are several tools we can use to help us make decisions in a way that feels good to us, even when there’s no “correct” choice.
1. Critical Thinking
Don't just accept what you're told. Question assumptions, look for evidence, and consider multiple perspectives.
2. Empathy
Try to put yourself in others' shoes. Ask questions to find out how they feel and work to understand their lived experience, even if you haven’t shared that experience.
3. Research
When faced with a complex issue, take time to learn more about it. Seek out diverse viewpoints and reputable sources.
4. Trusted Voices
Talk to people you trust and respect. Sometimes an outside perspective can shed new light on a situation.
5. Reflection
Take time to think through your decisions. Journal, meditate, or just sit quietly and ponder.
6. Trial and Error
Sometimes, the only option is to make a choice and see how it plays out. Be willing to learn from your experiences and adjust your approach the next time.
Personal Ethics are Personal
Eventually, as you pursue what feels good for you, you'll start to develop your own ethical framework. This isn't a set of strict rules, but a collection of principles and values that guide your decisions. Your personal ethical framework will probably change and grow over time, and that’s okay!
Here are some questions to continue asking yourself as you learn new things and have new experiences:
What do I value most in life?
What kind of person do I want to be?
What does "doing good" mean to me?
How do I define harm? What types of harm am I most concerned about preventing?
What responsibilities do I have to myself? To others? To the world at large?
What do I want?
Embracing Moral Autonomy
Stepping away from a strict moral code and putting down the rulebook can feel both liberating and terrifying. On one hand, you're free to shape your own ethics and make decisions based on your own reasoning and values! On the other hand... you're responsible for shaping your own ethics and making decisions based on your own reasoning and values.
It's a big responsibility, but you've already shown incredible courage and thoughtfulness by questioning the beliefs you were raised with. (In case you needed the reminder, leaving a high-control religious group is not exactly taking the easy way out.)
A few more reminders that you probably already know but might not hear often enough:
It's okay to be uncertain sometimes.
You don't have to have all the answers right away.
Mistakes are an essential part of the learning process.
Your worth isn't determined by your ability to make "perfect" choices (I’m pretty sure those don’t exist).
Making a choice you regret doesn’t mean you should never trust yourself again.
Life Outside the Box
Whether you're just starting to peek outside the box for the first time or you've been hanging out in the land of ethical nuance for years, know that you're not alone. There are so many folks out there asking similar questions and working to build a more compassionate world.
If you’re on a journey of building your own ethical framework and would like some company along the way, reach out for a consult. I would love to see if we would be a good fit, or offer some resources.
