Beware the Coffee Date: When Church Wants You Back
For a lot of former church kids, church wasn’t just a place you visited once a week. Many folks who grew up in high-control religion formed deep friendships within those communities and spent a lot of their free time together even outside the church walls.
Leaving church can be especially jarring for people whose career, friend group, and support system were all intertwined. When someone from your old church reaches out and asks to catch up, it might feel nice to be thought of! But is it really an innocent invitation from a friend? Or does the church just want you back?
The New Church Project?
Do you remember being in church and hearing people talk about someone they don’t approve of with a pitying sigh and a, “They need Jesus”? There’s no one more persistent than an evangelical when they identify a "lost sheep." Some people will always be determined to bring you back to the flock, no matter how happily you’re out there frolicking.
Of course, it’s not alway nefarious. Sometimes, old friends might be having their own doubts and want to talk to you about how or why you left. Sometimes there really are people with good intentions who just care about how you’re doing.
It might help to think of these as “orange flags” and consider the source before you assume the worst:
Vague invitations to "grab coffee and chat" from an old pastor or mentor
Sudden interest in your life after months or years of radio silence
Excessive or persistent curiosity about your current beliefs or lifestyle
Not-so-subtle comments about how much “the church” misses you
Sharing uninvited "concerns" about your eternal soul/lifestyle/etc.
The Emotional Rollercoaster
For many folks, these situations can stir up a lot of different emotions. There's the frustration of feeling like a target rather than a friend. The sadness of realizing that what you thought was a genuine connection might actually be conditional on your church attendance or belief system. The anxiety of anticipating uncomfortable conversations about why you're not in church anymore.
You might find yourself asking questions like:
"Do they actually care about me, or just about getting me back to church?"
"Are all my old friends really gone forever if I don't go back?"
"Am I a bad person for not wanting to engage with this at all?"
Your questions and emotions are valid, and you're not alone in experiencing them. Try to give yourself permission to acknowledge and process any feelings that come up with compassion and curiosity.
Do you find yourself missing the stability of a community? Mostly feeling relieved to be gone? Are you angry? Sad? Just really freaking tired? There are no wrong or right answers, and you’ll probably feel more than one thing.
You Don't Owe Anyone Your Time (Or Your Soul)
You know you don't owe anyone your time or attention. Not even if they used to be your pastor. Not even if they're "worried about your soul." Not even if they promise to buy you breakfast. Your mental health and well-being come first.
Setting boundaries can be tricky, especially if you're not used to it. Most folks who grew up in high-control religions were taught that setting boundaries was selfish or even sinful. It can take some time to remember that setting boundaries is an act of self-care and self-respect.
Here are a few strategies you might find helpful if you find yourself being evangelized by family or friends:
1. Set Clear Expectations
If you do decide to meet up, let them know upfront that you're not interested in discussing religion. You could say something like, "I'd love to catch up, but I want to be clear that I'm not open to discussing my religious beliefs or returning to church. If you can respect that, I'd be happy to meet."
2. Practice Saying No
It's okay to decline invitations. You don't have to explain yourself or come up with a way to let them down easily. A simple "Thank you for the invitation, but I'll have to pass" is perfectly okay.
3. Prepare Some Responses
If you struggle to come up with responses to uncomfortable questions in the moment, it’s okay to write a few down and practice them ahead of time. Here are some examples:
"I appreciate your concern, but I'm not interested in discussing my religious beliefs."
"I'm happy with my current spiritual path and I'm not looking to change it."
"Let's talk about something else. How's your [job/hobby/life] going?"
4. Set Time Limits
Consider setting a specific end time for the meetup. This gives you an easy out if things get uncomfortable.
5. Choose a Neutral Location
If possible, meet in a public place where you can easily leave if needed, rather than at someone's home or a church office.
Remember, it's okay to end a conversation or leave a situation that's making you uncomfortable. You're not being rude; you're taking care of yourself!
Nurturing Authentic Relationships
One of the wonderful things about life beyond religion is the ability to build connections based on mutual respect and shared interests, without constantly worrying about each other’s eternal souls. Here are a few ideas to help get you thinking about where you might find new friends and build a support network:
Local LGBTQ+ community centers or groups
Hobby-based clubs or classes (knitting clubs, D&D groups, etc)
Online forums for former church kids and “exvangelicals”
Meetup groups for activities you enjoy
Making friends as an adult can be intimidating, but it can also be liberating to form friendships where no one is trying to change your beliefs or "fix" you.
Build Your Support Network
If you're struggling with setting boundaries or navigating post-church relationships, know that you're not alone. Feel free to reach out for a consult if you'd like someone to talk to along the way. I'd love to see if I'd be a good fit to support you, or offer some resources that could help.
